Change

After thinking and reading a lot about goals and resolutions, there seems to be many different ways to approach them and make them last, but do any of these actually make us change?

I came accross an article which argued that while in theory everyone can change, in practice most people don't, and where there is change it represents an amplification of an already existing character.  And while some are more capable of changing than others, deliberate attempts to change are less effective than we think.  While a few of the arguments raised in the article made sense, in my view it represents a black and white, all or nothing way of thinking.

Sometimes change can feel impossible, but is it really?  It's easy to think our personalities are set in stone, but they evolve and mature over time.  The act of making a choice is in itself a change, and often it is our thoughts, beliefs and attitude that stands in the way. But it's difficult to recognise how things will feel on the other side of how they are now and it's easy to stay with the familiar.  When we experience change in our environment, the fight or flight response is triggered and fear pushes you into panic mode causing internal resistance.  Past experiences and beliefs help to prepare us for what to expect but it means we experience things as we anticipated it, whether it is actually that way or not.  The article mentions that the recipe for change involves building self awareness, changing a few behaviours and a lot of willpower. It doesn't matter how much willpower you have if you hold limiting thoughts and beliefs that create resistance that is just as strong, if not stronger, than the desire to change.  But simply being aware of what is happening means that you can circumnavigate it, and taking small manageable steps helps to reprogramme your expectations.

We think if we are not affecting major change in our life then it's not happening, but changing small things accumulate and it's often others who notice a change in us before we do.  The only way anything can change is one small piece at a time.  We can always choose our attitude, regardless of circumstances.  Even if you don't change overnight, the decision to work toward something better gives strength to make better choices in everyday life.  Thoughts, feelings, actions and the environment are all intertwined; a change in one creates a ripple effect in others.

If there's one thing that's constant in life, it's change and it often happens without us noticing it.  Nothing ever stays the same but it can be looked at differently if you consider it as an opportunity to let go of the way things were and find possibilities in the way things are.  The article questioned if we could really change our personalities but does that even matter?  Why fight with who you are when you can always change what you do.  We all change, we just have to make that choice.

"Whether you think you can or can't, you're right" Henry Ford

Further Reading:
http://blogs.hbr.org/2013/12/if-you-want-to-change-dont-read-this/

Resolutions

New year is traditionally a time for making resolutions for the year ahead, and we begin to look forward and set goals.  There's no escaping the New Year, New You articles at this time of year but it's equally important to look back over the last year so I made a list of all the successful things that happened in 2013 and reviewed it to consider what actions I'd like to take in 2014.

Recently though I've been reading about mindfulness and living in the present and the idea that if you live in the present, the future will take care of itself.  So I felt conflicted, is it possible to be present while setting goals for the future?

In my search for an answer, I came across an article by Steve Pavlina who says "You can only achieve anything in the present moment and you can only enjoy those achievements in the present moment.  You can't achieve anything or enjoy anything in the past or future because you're never there."  The point he makes is that the only value in goal setting is that it improves the quality of your present reality, not a future imagined reality.

In a previous post I talked about the benefits of letting go which is also important in goal setting.  Instead of continuously thinking about the desired future state, plan then let go and as it unfolds step back to see how things are going and make shifts where necessary.  Sometimes things just take time, but if the goal is one that improves your present reality in some way, then you know it's the right one.

It's possible to live in the present and help shape the future

Happy goal setting


Further Reading
http://stevepavlina.com/blog/2006/08/how-to-set-goals-you-will-actually-achieve/

In Bruges

Nothing puts you in the festive spirit quite like a Christmas market, and where better to visit than Bruges, a fairy tale city in the flemish region of Belgium.  A UNESCO world heritage site, it's as if this city was designed for Christmas, with picturesque cobbled lanes and canals which link market squares lined with beautiful historic buildings. Like Stockholm and other canal based cities Bruges is also sometimes referred to as the venice of the north, a charming town filled with incredible history, beautiful scenery and friendly locals.  Horses and carts are more common than cars in the city centre, where the main market square sits in the shadow of the spectacular 13th century bell tower.  This is the hub of the city, particularly during the festive season when the Christmas market sits against a backdrop of medieval buildings.  It's beautifully atmospheric and like a picture postcard.

On arrival in Bruges, I'm met with a smiley face at the reception of the hostel, then we head over to the market square.  The city is relatively small with about 20,000 people living there, but it's incredibly busy at this time of year when tourists often outnumber locals.  We take a look around the market and climb the 365 steps to the top of the tower and take in the view.  We then wander around the canals taking in the sights, a few of which we recognise after watching the film 'In Bruges' in which two hitmen are holed up in the city.  Colin Farell's character in the movie found the city boring but there is plenty too keep us occupied in the short time we are there and we throw ourselves into the tourist experience, visiting a chocolate museum and visiting a few of the many chocolate shops, a beer brewery tour and a snow and ice sculpture festival before getting the train for the 50 minute journey back to Brussels.

When we arrive, we head straight for the Grand Place - the stunning central market square, beautifully lit up by the nightly sound and light show which highlights the beautiful architecure of the surrounding buildings.  The centrepiece is an impressively large Christmas tree which adds to the festive atmosphere.  The city celebrates the end of the year with a large Euorpean Christmas market called 'Winterwonders' which spreads through the cobbled streets and squares. The size of the market is impressive with some amazing food and we try out the traditional frites with mayonaise then take a wander around where we come accross another smiley face - the smileoke bar!

The next day we take a bus tour to take in the sites and stop at the Royal Palace then head back to the city centre to check out the rest of the market selling everything you can imagine and I find another smiley face at one of the stalls.  No visit to Belgium would be complete without some waffles so we stop for some on our way back.

Both Bruges and Belgium are beautiful cities - particularly during the festive season.  Plus I found the perfect Christmas gift - some smiley faces.

The Present Moment

Life happens in the present, but so often we let it pass by unobserved by worrying about the future or dwelling on the past. It's easy to miss what's happening in the here and now, like when we are at work - we're looking forward to being on holiday, then when on holiday, we worry about work.

Mindfulness is living in the moment with your attention on the present, it allows you to realise are not your thoughts and you can observe them without judging them.  It takes practice, but there is a paradox because the expectation of reward leads to a future oriented mindset which subverts the process.  Ironically, letting go of what you want is the only way to get it.  It forces you to stop overthinking and into the present so that you can't worry about things that aren't there.

Another paradox is focusing on a problem to combat and overcome it often makes it worse.  The mind's natural tendency when faced with pain is to attempt to avoid and resist it which only magnifies it. The solution is acceptance, letting the emotion be there without judging it, holding on to it or pushing it away.  This helps you to understand it, then you can choose what to do next.

Thoughts are just thoughts, you don't need to believe them or do what they say. Being in the present moment takes us out of autopilot to start paying attention to the world around us. Being aware of thoughts means they don't control you, to be more in control of your mind you need to press pause, stop doing and focus on just being.

In A Guide to The Present Moment, Noah Elkrief states that our thoughts broadly fall into two main categories: psychological and functional.  Functional thoughts determine how to do things or solve problems, while psychological thoughts are the ones that decide whether something is good or bad, and it is these thoughts which can can cause suffering.  He argues that one way to experience the present moment is when we don't have or believe the thoughts that create unwanted emotions.

This is not about trying to get anywhere, just realising where you already are. It isn't a goal, because goals are about the future.  You just need the intention of paying attention to what is happening in the present moment.  It's not a destination and there is no finish line, you're already there.

Mindfulness

At the beginning of this year I read a book about mindfulness.  Reading the book and following the practices based on Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy really helped me to gain a new perspective on the world.  It introduced the concept of mindfulness meditation and helped me to understand the reasons behind thought patterns, particularly negative ones that can be so destructive. It was a relief to know I wasn't alone in this thinking and there was a way to tackle it which has been clinically proven to work. We all have normal feelings of anxiety, stress and sadness, but mindfulness meditation helps prevent these from spiralling downwards leading to prolonged periods of unhappiness and exhaustion.

Meditation is not necessarily about religion or looking for enlightenment, at it's simplest it involves just focusing on the breath, and when your mind wanders bringing the attention back to the breath.  This allows you to observe your thoughts instead of getting caught up in them, and realise they are just thoughts that come and go.  This realisation was a big turning point for me, ultimately I had a new perspective which meant I had a choice on whether to act on them or not.  Mindfulness is about observation without criticism and being compassionate with yourself.  In my last post I talked about compassion,  but up until I read this book that concept hadn't even occurred to me before.  It gave me a greater mental clarity and helped me to break some of my unconscious habits of thinking and behaving.

The terms mindfulness and meditation are often used interchangeably.  Basic meditation involves focusing on the breath which simply allows the mind to rest, but mindfulness meditation involves training the mind to observe things non judgmentally.  Mindfulness is a way of living day to day consciously and mindfully of which the ultimate goal is to make choices and have all our actions and reactions reflect those choices.

When I tried meditation I felt a calm and stillness in my mind which encouraged me to keep going with the practice.  It is what made me realise that I was running on autopilot a lot of the time, it's what inspired me to start this blog and what prompted the search for my smiley face.  It's still a work in progress, and this is just the beginning.

Further reading:
Mindfulness, a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world.  Mark Williams and Danny Pennman, 2011, Piatkus

Compassion

Recently I attended a conference for the Prince's Trust, a charity that gives practical and financial support to young disadvantaged people.  The majority of the attendees were volunteers, and it got me thinking about the motivation for people who give up their time and experience to mentor young people to help them reach their full potential.  

The simple fact is that helping others makes us feel good.  People volunteer for many different reasons, but there are usually multiple motivators.  When volunteering for the first time, the motivation is often extrinsic, existing outside of the individual. But external motivation like the desire to give back is not deep rooted in our personality and as volunteers continue, they discover their intrinsic motivations and they become personally invested.  As they reach out to others, they discover things about themselves and they get a lot out of it, motivating them to continue.

Sympathy, empathy and compassion are important factors in mentoring, but it is important to distinguish between them.  Sympathy is feeling sorry for another's hurt or pain with some emotional distance, while empathy is he ability to experience for yourself the pain that the other person is feeling, tuning in to another person's emotional experience.  One downside to this though is when distressing emotions can be overwhelming, as similar areas of the brain are activated in both the person who suffers and the one who feels empathy. We witness suffering on a daily basis, whether it's on the street, we read about it on the newspaper, or we see it on TV and in movies.   Compassion is more involved than empathy, which commonly gives rise to an active desire to alleviate another's suffering. While many of us easily get emotional watching sad movies or offer help to those in need, it's often difficult to extend compassion to ourselves. It's easy to criticise and judge ourselves and we learn to put others first, but being kind to ourselves allows us to reduce our own suffering, become stronger and offer authentic compassion to others.

Giving to others is a source of contentment and satisfaction. Last week I added some spare change to a charity collection tin and was given a sticker - with a smiley face on it!

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion, if you want to be happy, practice compassion"           Dalai Lama

Look On The Bright Side

This week I read an interesting article on Linkedin titled 'The Positive Power of Negative Thinking'.  In it, the author argues that despite the perceived benefits of positive thinking, those who would define themselves as a pessimist are actually more successful when they focus on the reasons they're likely to fail because negative thinking transforms anxiety into action.  At the other end of the scale optimists tend to benefit from more confidence and thrive in jobs that require resilience and perseverance.

The key is to find the best of both worlds and strike a balance between the blue sky view and a more realistic assessment of any given situation. It's not a matter of thinking positively or negatively but the use of strategies that match our thinking style.

I'd like to say that I'm a glass is half full type of person, but in reality I tend to think on the negative side and about anything that can possibly go wrong. It turns out though that this can be a good thing.  In the same way that guilt acts as our moral compass, anxiety leads us to anticipate the worst and be prepared for it.  At work it means I can prevent things from going wrong and when planning events anticipate problems so that everything is under control on the day.

Personally, anxiety can tell us that we need to make changes, for example unresolved issues that need to be addressed or an unexpressed gift or desire. This can inspire us to change our approach to work, our passions or our mindset.

It's all a matter of looking at negative thinking and anxiety as an opportunity, the difference is the way we look at it.  This goes a long way when we learn what it's teaching us and that is when we can take action.

'The Power of Negative Thinking" Adam Grant, Linkedin October 15, 2013
http://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20131015140307-69244073-the-positive-power-of-negative-thinking