In Bruges

Nothing puts you in the festive spirit quite like a Christmas market, and where better to visit than Bruges, a fairy tale city in the flemish region of Belgium.  A UNESCO world heritage site, it's as if this city was designed for Christmas, with picturesque cobbled lanes and canals which link market squares lined with beautiful historic buildings. Like Stockholm and other canal based cities Bruges is also sometimes referred to as the venice of the north, a charming town filled with incredible history, beautiful scenery and friendly locals.  Horses and carts are more common than cars in the city centre, where the main market square sits in the shadow of the spectacular 13th century bell tower.  This is the hub of the city, particularly during the festive season when the Christmas market sits against a backdrop of medieval buildings.  It's beautifully atmospheric and like a picture postcard.

On arrival in Bruges, I'm met with a smiley face at the reception of the hostel, then we head over to the market square.  The city is relatively small with about 20,000 people living there, but it's incredibly busy at this time of year when tourists often outnumber locals.  We take a look around the market and climb the 365 steps to the top of the tower and take in the view.  We then wander around the canals taking in the sights, a few of which we recognise after watching the film 'In Bruges' in which two hitmen are holed up in the city.  Colin Farell's character in the movie found the city boring but there is plenty too keep us occupied in the short time we are there and we throw ourselves into the tourist experience, visiting a chocolate museum and visiting a few of the many chocolate shops, a beer brewery tour and a snow and ice sculpture festival before getting the train for the 50 minute journey back to Brussels.

When we arrive, we head straight for the Grand Place - the stunning central market square, beautifully lit up by the nightly sound and light show which highlights the beautiful architecure of the surrounding buildings.  The centrepiece is an impressively large Christmas tree which adds to the festive atmosphere.  The city celebrates the end of the year with a large Euorpean Christmas market called 'Winterwonders' which spreads through the cobbled streets and squares. The size of the market is impressive with some amazing food and we try out the traditional frites with mayonaise then take a wander around where we come accross another smiley face - the smileoke bar!

The next day we take a bus tour to take in the sites and stop at the Royal Palace then head back to the city centre to check out the rest of the market selling everything you can imagine and I find another smiley face at one of the stalls.  No visit to Belgium would be complete without some waffles so we stop for some on our way back.

Both Bruges and Belgium are beautiful cities - particularly during the festive season.  Plus I found the perfect Christmas gift - some smiley faces.

The Present Moment

Life happens in the present, but so often we let it pass by unobserved by worrying about the future or dwelling on the past. It's easy to miss what's happening in the here and now, like when we are at work - we're looking forward to being on holiday, then when on holiday, we worry about work.

Mindfulness is living in the moment with your attention on the present, it allows you to realise are not your thoughts and you can observe them without judging them.  It takes practice, but there is a paradox because the expectation of reward leads to a future oriented mindset which subverts the process.  Ironically, letting go of what you want is the only way to get it.  It forces you to stop overthinking and into the present so that you can't worry about things that aren't there.

Another paradox is focusing on a problem to combat and overcome it often makes it worse.  The mind's natural tendency when faced with pain is to attempt to avoid and resist it which only magnifies it. The solution is acceptance, letting the emotion be there without judging it, holding on to it or pushing it away.  This helps you to understand it, then you can choose what to do next.

Thoughts are just thoughts, you don't need to believe them or do what they say. Being in the present moment takes us out of autopilot to start paying attention to the world around us. Being aware of thoughts means they don't control you, to be more in control of your mind you need to press pause, stop doing and focus on just being.

In A Guide to The Present Moment, Noah Elkrief states that our thoughts broadly fall into two main categories: psychological and functional.  Functional thoughts determine how to do things or solve problems, while psychological thoughts are the ones that decide whether something is good or bad, and it is these thoughts which can can cause suffering.  He argues that one way to experience the present moment is when we don't have or believe the thoughts that create unwanted emotions.

This is not about trying to get anywhere, just realising where you already are. It isn't a goal, because goals are about the future.  You just need the intention of paying attention to what is happening in the present moment.  It's not a destination and there is no finish line, you're already there.

Mindfulness

At the beginning of this year I read a book about mindfulness.  Reading the book and following the practices based on Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy really helped me to gain a new perspective on the world.  It introduced the concept of mindfulness meditation and helped me to understand the reasons behind thought patterns, particularly negative ones that can be so destructive. It was a relief to know I wasn't alone in this thinking and there was a way to tackle it which has been clinically proven to work. We all have normal feelings of anxiety, stress and sadness, but mindfulness meditation helps prevent these from spiralling downwards leading to prolonged periods of unhappiness and exhaustion.

Meditation is not necessarily about religion or looking for enlightenment, at it's simplest it involves just focusing on the breath, and when your mind wanders bringing the attention back to the breath.  This allows you to observe your thoughts instead of getting caught up in them, and realise they are just thoughts that come and go.  This realisation was a big turning point for me, ultimately I had a new perspective which meant I had a choice on whether to act on them or not.  Mindfulness is about observation without criticism and being compassionate with yourself.  In my last post I talked about compassion,  but up until I read this book that concept hadn't even occurred to me before.  It gave me a greater mental clarity and helped me to break some of my unconscious habits of thinking and behaving.

The terms mindfulness and meditation are often used interchangeably.  Basic meditation involves focusing on the breath which simply allows the mind to rest, but mindfulness meditation involves training the mind to observe things non judgmentally.  Mindfulness is a way of living day to day consciously and mindfully of which the ultimate goal is to make choices and have all our actions and reactions reflect those choices.

When I tried meditation I felt a calm and stillness in my mind which encouraged me to keep going with the practice.  It is what made me realise that I was running on autopilot a lot of the time, it's what inspired me to start this blog and what prompted the search for my smiley face.  It's still a work in progress, and this is just the beginning.

Further reading:
Mindfulness, a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world.  Mark Williams and Danny Pennman, 2011, Piatkus

Compassion

Recently I attended a conference for the Prince's Trust, a charity that gives practical and financial support to young disadvantaged people.  The majority of the attendees were volunteers, and it got me thinking about the motivation for people who give up their time and experience to mentor young people to help them reach their full potential.  

The simple fact is that helping others makes us feel good.  People volunteer for many different reasons, but there are usually multiple motivators.  When volunteering for the first time, the motivation is often extrinsic, existing outside of the individual. But external motivation like the desire to give back is not deep rooted in our personality and as volunteers continue, they discover their intrinsic motivations and they become personally invested.  As they reach out to others, they discover things about themselves and they get a lot out of it, motivating them to continue.

Sympathy, empathy and compassion are important factors in mentoring, but it is important to distinguish between them.  Sympathy is feeling sorry for another's hurt or pain with some emotional distance, while empathy is he ability to experience for yourself the pain that the other person is feeling, tuning in to another person's emotional experience.  One downside to this though is when distressing emotions can be overwhelming, as similar areas of the brain are activated in both the person who suffers and the one who feels empathy. We witness suffering on a daily basis, whether it's on the street, we read about it on the newspaper, or we see it on TV and in movies.   Compassion is more involved than empathy, which commonly gives rise to an active desire to alleviate another's suffering. While many of us easily get emotional watching sad movies or offer help to those in need, it's often difficult to extend compassion to ourselves. It's easy to criticise and judge ourselves and we learn to put others first, but being kind to ourselves allows us to reduce our own suffering, become stronger and offer authentic compassion to others.

Giving to others is a source of contentment and satisfaction. Last week I added some spare change to a charity collection tin and was given a sticker - with a smiley face on it!

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion, if you want to be happy, practice compassion"           Dalai Lama

Look On The Bright Side

This week I read an interesting article on Linkedin titled 'The Positive Power of Negative Thinking'.  In it, the author argues that despite the perceived benefits of positive thinking, those who would define themselves as a pessimist are actually more successful when they focus on the reasons they're likely to fail because negative thinking transforms anxiety into action.  At the other end of the scale optimists tend to benefit from more confidence and thrive in jobs that require resilience and perseverance.

The key is to find the best of both worlds and strike a balance between the blue sky view and a more realistic assessment of any given situation. It's not a matter of thinking positively or negatively but the use of strategies that match our thinking style.

I'd like to say that I'm a glass is half full type of person, but in reality I tend to think on the negative side and about anything that can possibly go wrong. It turns out though that this can be a good thing.  In the same way that guilt acts as our moral compass, anxiety leads us to anticipate the worst and be prepared for it.  At work it means I can prevent things from going wrong and when planning events anticipate problems so that everything is under control on the day.

Personally, anxiety can tell us that we need to make changes, for example unresolved issues that need to be addressed or an unexpressed gift or desire. This can inspire us to change our approach to work, our passions or our mindset.

It's all a matter of looking at negative thinking and anxiety as an opportunity, the difference is the way we look at it.  This goes a long way when we learn what it's teaching us and that is when we can take action.

'The Power of Negative Thinking" Adam Grant, Linkedin October 15, 2013
http://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20131015140307-69244073-the-positive-power-of-negative-thinking

Positive Acceptance

We all deal with stress in our lives, and recently I've realised that some are able to deal with it better than others.  Stress is a physical response of the nervous system when we perceive a threat.  The body kicks into the fight or flight reaction, releasing stress hormones including adrenaline and cortisol which helps us stay focused, energetic, and alert. In small doses, it can help us stay out of physical danger, perform under pressure and motivate us to do our best, the problem is the body doesn't distinguish between physical and psychological threats and if you’re constantly running in emergency mode, the long term effects can lead to serious health problems.

The pressures we deal with on a daily basis have evolved along with us.  An important step in managing stress is identifying the sources, but the true sources of stress are not always that obvious.  When I did this myself I realised it wasn't caused by work or relationships but my own thoughts, feelings and behaviours.  It wasn't anything to do with the situations I was in, it was the way I perceived them and dealt with them that was the problem.

In my search to find an answer I came across the idea of positive acceptance, 'accepting what is.'  Stress generally involves resisting what is, which is wanting something to be different right now.  Either we want something not to have happened or we want a situation not to exist, but doing so is wishing for the impossible. This doesn't mean resigning ourselves to situations and not trying to change them, but about not wishing something was already different. Accepting what is means moving away from this thought pattern and focusing only on what we need to do to resolve the situation or improve the future. Those who are stress resilient do this naturally but for most it is a skill which can be learned and practiced by noticing whenever we are wishing something was different, recognising that it is irrational, dropping the thought and refocusing on what we can do to improve it.

Doing this on a regular basis makes it easier and can be applied to any situation both personally and professionally. I now have a note on my desk which says 'accept what is' which helps me to focus when I have a lot do or a looming deadline.  At first this idea seemed almost too simple but when I tried it, it really worked.

We can't avoid stress in our lives, but we can change the way we react to it.  Focus on solutions not problems to find your smiley face.

Press Pause

At work we have a recurring meeting agenda item to reflect and refocus, this is an opportunity to take a step back from daily activities and look objectively at any issues which need to be addressed. At our last meeting we discussed the difficulties of taking time to do this on a regular basis when we are busy, so I scheduled some time in the diaries as a weekly reminder to stop and reflect.

Following this it occurred to me that this would be useful personally too.  Recently I've been learning a lot about how the mind works and realised how much time I spend on autopilot, mindlessly doing things without really thinking about it.  This happens particularly when I'm driving when sometimes I take a completely wrong turn purely out of habit. Because of the sheer amount of sensory information the brain needs to process it filters some things out and the result is that sometimes we can miss what's right in front of us.

Recent studies carried out suggest that up to 95% of our behaviour is determined by the subconscious, the part of the mind that functions without awareness.  The subconscious mind is like a computer programme that includes information from experiences, memories, habits and beliefs.  One of the reasons the subconscious is so powerful is that it can process far more information per second than the conscious mind.  When we act on auto pilot our behaviour tends to become repetitive.  This means we don't have to learn things over and over again but it also means our thought patterns become hard-wired.

The benefits of being more childlike apply here too, they love exploring and questioning things that we have learned to accept as the norm.  Pressing pause to be more curious can really help see things from a different perspective. We are at our most creative when we are not thinking about it, the subconscious mind works in the background and we often think of ideas when we are distracted by a habitual task and in a relaxed state of mind. This is because the mind stops focusing on the details of the problems we are trying to resolve and focuses inwards on the connections that lead to insights.  Often the answers were always there, we just need to listen to them.

Taking time to reflect allows the opportunity to look at our beliefs and opinions and question if they are true according to the knowledge we have. Often simple awareness is enough, allowing us to choose our actions rather than reacting based on autopilot.

Albert Einstein summed it up well when he said "The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them."

Emotions at Work

I regularly pick up a copy of Stylist on my way home from work to read on the train journey home, it's a free magazine handed out at stations to commuters.  It's from the same people that produce Shortlist, and I now look forward to Wednesday journeys home when I can read the latest edition.  In a recent issue there was an article entitled 'Is Your Boss A Phsycho?" which caught my attention, not because I think my boss is a phsycho but because it raised a few interesting points. The article pointed out that being pshycopathic doesn't necessarily make you a serial killer, rather it is someone with a distinct cluster of personality traits, including narcissism, persuasiveness and lack of conscience and is often found in successful business figures, particularly CEOs.  I took the questionnaire and was glad that I scored pretty low on the psychopathic spectrum and it got me thinking about the other end of the scale too.  I can see how traits like charisma, fearlessness and focus is useful for those in positions with tough decisions to make, but what about the other end of the spectrum? Does scoring low on phychopathic traits mean you can't be successful in the ruthless world of business? I know I'm a pretty empathetic individual, I feel other's pain easily and I'm always very considered when it comes to decisions, weighing up situations from different angles and really thinking things through before I do anything.

Recent events at work where things have happened to colleagues that affect both their personal and professional lives has really brought the subject of emotions at work into focus for me.  Emotions are what define us, yet sometimes it is as if we detach our emotions before going to work.  Emotions can be seen as unprofessional and the focus is often on what can be measured, but what lies at the heart of most companies are the people who work for the company and the customers they serve.  We want customers to trust us, we want to show them that we care and value them, yet emotions are often ignored in business because it is difficult to quantify. Happy customers are more likely to remain loyal and recommend services, but equally happy employees are more engaged, meaning they voluntarily give the company and their customers their commitment.  Empathy is important as good customer service is often built on building understanding and trust, and maintaining this even when things go wrong.  Previous to being an assistant I worked in customer relations resolving complaints.  I have to admit this was not my favourite job and it often pushed me out of my comfort zone, but I learned a lot from it and seemed to do it pretty well, and looking back now I realise it was probably because I have a lot of empathy.  While I sometimes doubted myself, my decisions were always carefully considered and I remember hearing at the time that often customer satisfaction is higher after a complaint as long as it was handled well.

In his 1995 book, 'Emotional Intelligence' Daniel Goleman developed the argument that that non-cognitive skills like empathy and interpersonal skills can matter as much as IQ, advocating the importance of emotions in business.  Although difficult to quantify, it is important that there are  those who look at the bottom line and make tough decisions, but it's equally important that this is balanced with those who look at things from a different perspective.  Particularly in customer driven businesses where customer experience is the focus, emotions are even more important.

Emotions affect us in every area of our lives; both personally and professionally.  It's possible to find a smiley face at work too.

References:
Is Your Boss A Psycho? Stylist, Sept 4 2013
Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, Bantam Books 1995

Letting Go

Continuing with my smiley faces theme, recently my family had a get together over the weekend.  This was a rare opportunity to see all of my family in one place as we are now based in different locations.  In my first post I talked about releasing control on a weekend trip and learned the benefits of letting go.  As I watched my nieces and nephews playing I realised that I could learn a few things from them too.  As babies when they were learning to walk, if they fell down they just got back up and tried again until they were successful, they didn't feel disappointed with themselves because they didn't get it right the first time.  As older kids now they live in the present moment, they don't hold on to past mistakes or worry about the future.  If they fall and hurt themselves, they cry, work through the pain and five minutes later it's as if it had never happened.  They forgive easily and don't hold grudges. They release their emotions as and when they arrive. I've noticed that as adults this seems to change, we replay things in our minds, wondering if we should have done things differently. Attempts become mistakes and self judgement kicks in.

During the family weekend we took the kids to the park and my youngest niece made a sand angel, on which she then drew... a smiley face!  Was this coincidence or the world trying to tell me something?  Am I over thinking this?  Maybe, and maybe that's another lesson to learn.  Sometimes things don't go as we planned and sometimes we make mistakes, but the trick is to look at it differently, as an 'attempt' we learn from then let it go instead of carrying it around for fear of making the same mistake again.  As I was driving the other day the song 'Wake Me Up' by Avicii came on the radio and for the first time I listened to the lyrics "I tried carrying the weight of the world, but I only have two hands" and it made me think.  Apparently Thomas Edison invented the light bulb on his 1000th attempt and was quoted as saying "I have not failed 1000 times, I have successfully found 1000 ways that will not work."

As if by some other coincidence, I have a day to view calendar on my desk at work, and each day has a quote.  Last week one of the quotes was "some mistakes are too much fun to only make once."  It is important to learn from them, but it's just as important, if not more, to then let it go.

The sand angel smiley face

Inspiration for this post came from a few articles I have read on the Tiny Buddha website:
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/use-self-acceptance-to-learn-from-the-past-and-let-it-go/
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/be-more-childlike-life-can-be-beautiful/

The Venice of the North

I have to admit my initial impression of Stockholm was that it's expensive - it certainly has that reputation, but as it turns out, it doesn't need to be.  One thing I know how to do is plan, so a bit of research later I found myself at the airport boarding a short and inexpensive flight to Sweden's capital, sometimes referred to as 'the Venice of the North'.  On arrival, it wasn't difficult to see why.  The city consists of easily navigable islands separated by sparkling waterways which account for a third of the city's total surface area.

I decided for this trip I would step out of my comfort zone and not plan an itinerary - just go with the flow and see what happens.  This is completely against my nature, I'm a keen traveller and my previous trips have been planned down to every. last . detail.  This is usually after meticulous research, checking various top attraction lists and guide books, determined to tick them all off the list.  But this time was different.  I arrived in Stockholm without a plan and although I did feel an initial sense of panic (I hadn't even pre-booked the bus from the airport to the city!) it all turned out for the best. After buying tickets for the bus at the airport and were soon in the city, checking in to our impeccably clean and quiet hostel.  I have to admit at this point I did have a pre printed map of the location of the hostel - baby steps!  It was late on a Friday when we arrived and my first impressions were that it was peaceful and quiet, not much like it is at the same time back home on a weekend evening. 

old town

The next morning we headed to the tourist information centre to decide what to do.  A triathlon was on at the time affecting the sightseeing bus route so we opt for a boat tour instead, taking in the sights of the beautiful waterways that connect the city.  Next we head over to old town to check out the old alleyways and cobbled streets. We don't pay attention to the map and just wander and find a lovely cafe where we stop for a drink and some people watching. The old town is beautiful, if a little busy with tourists but not so much if you wander off the beaten track.  We decide to go back later for some Swedish meatballs for dinner (when in Sweden!) and find a cute little place with photos on the menu which helps us with our choice. 

sunset view over the city

As the sun starts to set we head up to Monteliusvagen - a short walk along the tops of the cliffs of Sodermalm.  It's a bit of a walk to get there but we are rewarded with a fantastic view of the old town and city hall during a stunning red and pink sunset which seemed to last for ages.  As night fell, we walked down past the water which looked like glass in the moonlight, reflecting the beautiful old buildings lit up.

love locks on the bridge

The next day we spend some time at the park, sitting in glorious warm sunshine at the edge of the water, watching with fascination as windsurfers persevered on their boards, not moving at all due to the lack of wind!  We then walk across the adjacent Western Bridge which connects the North and South City.  At the middle of the bridge we find love locks - padlocks affixed to the bridge by couples to symbolise their everlasting love.  It was a fantastic view from there of the entire city - and not one included in any of the 'must do' lists for visitors to the city.  On our way back we walk through the park again and I come across a few smiley faces - one drawn on the ground, one on a climbing wall and one a shop sign and stop to take photos of them.

 

changing if the guard at the Royal Palace

Later we walk back to the old town again to watch the changing of the guard at the Royal Palace then pick up some souvenirs and everything we find is expensive, even a small bottle of water cost the equivalent of £2.10.  The scandinavians are known for their high standard of living and it's evident here but we've managed to keep the costs down in travel and accomodation and it was well worth it.



I didn't tick off all of the top 10 must see sites, but I really found the heart of this beautiful city and found my smiley face in more ways than one, where will you find yours?